Hello

I imagine that, like most bloggers, I'll begin this will all good intentions to maintain my blog on a regular basis in perpetuity. Don't we all start things when we're most passionate about them? Well I ain't making any promises. All I know is that today I feel like starting a blog and talking about something, so I am. Who knows about tomorrow or the day after that.

And I seriously doubt that anyone will ever read this but me, so really it's just an online journal. But I have a background in social media so this is where I gravitate to rather than the online journaling sites.

What I want to talk about today is that my youngest son, M, has been diagnosed with anorexia. It was declared official a few days ago. I've cried a lot. He's done some of that, too. Thank God our pediatrician, Dr. G, is fantastic and M has a great relationship with him. Well, maybe not so much today since Dr. G is telling M some things he doesn't like hearing.

And in between crying, I've been doing research about eating disorders. Like any disease there's a whole language and set of abbreviations that come with it. I've found a nutritionist experienced in these things. We meet with her tomorrow. M is looking forward to it. I'm having a parent meeting with a counselor on Monday, too. M is not happy about seeing a counselor. He becomes emotional when the topic comes up. And of course, it feels like our lives now circle around the topic of food. Did you eat? What did you eat? Let's plan what we'll eat? Are these high impact foods? Blah blah blah.

Here I thought, now that M is 17, I'd have time this year to start thinking about making a transition to an empty nest. Quite the opposite now. I'm home more than ever and quite frankly afraid to be anywhere but here when M is here so I can ensure he's eating well and eating often.

I've also joined the folks over at FEAST. I left an I'm New Here post on their forum and the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. They told which books and movies are the "musts" to save me wasting time with the lesser resources. The list overwhelmed me even more. I cried some more. I received an email from a wonderful woman, L, who has been through this with her daughter and they've made it to the other side. She gave me her phone number and said to call any time. So why am I afraid to pick up the phone? I've gone back to FEAST and started to write a few posts, but delete them each time.

I feel incredibly alone and isolated - and I'm holding at arm's length the people who are trying so hard to make me feel welcome.

I think that M is not the only one who's in denial to a certain extent. I'm afraid to know too much, I think. I wrote in my intro post on FEAST that we didn't fit the classic mold for ED. And the community told me otherwise. Under no uncertain terms. Maybe, on some level, if I see us as "different" than we're not one of them. Because nobody wants to be them.